On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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