I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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