I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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