My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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