My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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