your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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