Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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