I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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