I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
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I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's like heaven, but drunker
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Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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