Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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