I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
