I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
love makes seman taste better
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
