do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
