i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
