I want to walk on stilts...naked
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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