The maid of honor just puked.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
