I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
