we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
