So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
