Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
