My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize