Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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