Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
