If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Buhtt sex?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
