I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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