Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
