i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
