My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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