I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
