Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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