Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
