I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
