how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
