I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
People in love make me want to vomit
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
