Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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