Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
