Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize