On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
