so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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