Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
