Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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