Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
