May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
