Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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