Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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