I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
