I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
