I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
