my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
