she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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