im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
