This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
