I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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