He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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