I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
