I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
